24 shakeup?!?! NO, pleeeease...

JACK - YOU LOOK PUZZLED TOO!

While reading through my normal bloglines links I find numerous articles that outline the upcoming 'season 7' of 24.... and I am a bit apprehensive to say the least.... It appears as though the BEST SHOW ON TV has been overthrown by liberal terrorists (liberalorrists)!

Read for yourself!

POPWATCH : A new direction for 24 - "Given the supposedly leftish turn 24 is taking this season — environmentally friendly production practices, a female U.S. president (Cherry Jones), and hiring Janeane Garofalo* ..."



POPWATCH: '24' fights the terror of global warming - "Very mild spoiler alert about the new season of 24, set to be unleashed next January: "When appropriate," according to the Fox website, season 7 will incorporate "the issue of global warming and the importance of carbon emission reduction into storylines."


The New Republic: How Liberal can "24" get? Flower Bauer - "First, producers cast a female president. Then they struck a plan to make the show's production more environmentally friendly, leading to a "carbon-neutral" season finale."

Hecklerspray: Janeane Garofalo makes 24 slightly less right-wing - "We don't think we've ever been so scared in all our lives. 24 - the world's favourite super right-wing thriller where nothing exists that can't be solved by a bullet to the kneecap and some high-voltage water torture - might be going liberal."

I also found this - which is HILARIOUS...

Here is the "spoofed" script.
written by: Daniel Chun is a writer for "The Simpsons."

EPISODE 1: 12:00 AM - 1:00 AM

Int. CTU - day

JACK BAUER talks to JANIS GOLD.

JANIS GOLD Our source tells us that the terrorists' plan is blow up Broward Dam. This would create mass flooding, cut power to the entire state, and destroy the habitat of the tidewater goby.

JACK BAUER Dammit! Without that goby, what will our local heron population eat?

JANIS GOLD Try not to think about that.

JACK BAUER I can't help it! Every link in the food chain matters!

Jack punches his hand through a wall.

JACK BAUER (CONT'D) Chloe, get me a schematic of the dam's facilities.

CHLOE O'BRIAN I'm on it. Let me power up my computer.

Chloe mounts an exercise bike connected to a power generator into which her computer is plugged. She pedals furiously. Her computer slowly boots up.

JANIS GOLD We don't have much time, Chloe! Pedal harder!

Chloe pedals harder.

JANIS GOLD (CONT'D) (to Jack, proudly) Did you know that just ten minutes of pedaling powers her computer for an hour?

CHLOE O'BRIAN Not to mention burns calories and improves my heart health.

Jack nods, impressed and a little inspired.

Int. Dam control room - day

A DAM WORKER, soaking wet, is being held down by two LACKEYS.

TERRORIST #1 enters.

TERRORIST #1 Has the American told us how to disable the safety override?

LACKEY #1 He won't talk.

TERRORIST #1 Continue the waterboarding.

The lackeys move to shove the dam worker's head into a tub of water. He struggles.

DAM WORKER Please, please! Wait!

TERRORIST #1 Yes?

DAM WORKER Are you gonna just dump this water after you torture me?

TERRORIST #1 Of course not. We have an extensive grey water system. The water will be fed to the shrubbery back at the hideout.

DAM WORKER Okay, great. Carry on.

The lackeys hold the dam worker's head underwater. He struggles violently. After a few seconds, he is pulled up.

DAM WORKER (CONT'D) (gasping) Cuz we only have one Earth, you know?

The terrorists murmur their agreement. The lackeys hold the dam worker under again. He flashes the thumbs-up.


EPISODE 9: 8:00 AM - 9:00 AM

Ext. Street - day

TERRORIST #2 frantically looks for a means of getaway. He runs up to a car at a red light and opens the DRIVER's door.

TERRORIST #2 What kind of car is this?

DRIVERT- Toyota Camry.

TERRORIST #2Camry hybrid?

DRIVER No.

TERRORIST #2 That won't do.

The terrorist shoots the driver in the face. He looks for another car. He spots a parked Prius--he smashes the window, gets in, and drives off. A beat later, a city bus rounds the corner. Jack Bauer is on board.

Int. Bus - CONTINUOUS

JACK BAUER Follow that Prius! Can't you drive any faster?

BUS DRIVER If this is too slow for you, drive yourself.

JACK BAUER And contribute eight thousand pounds of CO2 to the atmosphere? Then I'd be the worst terrorist of all. Ever think about that, [LOOKS AT NAMETAG] Doug?

Jack sees the Prius getting away. He holds his gun to the bus driver's neck.

JACK BAUER (CONT'D) Drive faster, dammit! I'm a federal agent.

BUS DRIVER Okay, okay!

The bus driver guns the gas pedal. We see the speedometer hit 55, then climb towards 65.

JACK BAUER Whoa, whoa! Does fuel efficiency mean nothing to you? Fifty-five is fast enough. Geez.

The bus slows down to 55.

JACK BAUER (CONT'D) By the way, everyone, I commend you for taking public transportation.

He checks to make sure the Prius is still in view, then finds an open seat.

JACK BAUER (CONT'D) Mind if I sit here?

TEENAGER Like, if I care.

Jack pulls out an old Harper's and settles in.


EPISODE 24: 11:00 PM - 12:00 AM

Ext. Dam - day

Jack, gun in hand, hurries across the enormous dam. He speaks to Chloe via cell phone.

JACK BAUER Chloe, do you copy?

CHLOE O'BRIAN Yes, Jack.

JACK BAUER This is very important: I need you to Tivo Charlie Rose for me. Leonardo DiCaprio is talking about the disappearing honeybees.

CHLOE O'BRIAN Let me see if I can get into your Tivo controls from here. (TYPES RAPIDLY) I'm in.

Jack peeks around a doorway. The terrorists, in masks, are recording a message before a video camera.

TERRORIST #1 People of America. For too long the world has stood idly by as your environmental philosophy of "Reduce, Reuse, Recycle" has placed too much emphasis on recycling and not enough on reducing. The time has come to be punished. The explosion of this dam is the first of many--

JACK BAUER Freeze! You're not exploding anything. There's one thing you didn't account for. You're destroying the habitat of the tidewater goby.

He points his gun at the terrorists. Janis Gold enters, her gun pointed at Jack Bauer.

JANIS GOLD I'm sorry, Jack, but we've already bought the carbon credits to offset the explosion. It's happening.

Chloe O'Brian enters, her gun pointed at Janis.

CHLOE O'BRIAN I don't think so. The CFL lightbulbs in this room will leech mercury into the ocean if this place blows.

Ed Begley, Jr. enters, gun pointed at Chloe.

ED BEGLEY, JR. Hey guys, check out my new eco-friendly gun. The bullets are made from biocompostable starches.

Al Gore enters, gun pointed at his own head.

AL GORE What's the point of any of this? This planet's screwed.

JACK BAUER It seems to me that the only person who can really make a difference for our planet...

He looks directly at the camera.

JACK BAUER (CONT'D) ...is you.

We FREEZE on Jack's face.

Al Gore's gunshot can be heard in the background. MUSIC: "BIG YELLOW TAXI" by Joni Mitchell.

[NOTE TO PRODUCERS: Instead of our normal end credits, maybe a montage of footage of disgusting public wells in the third world?]